Reporter: We’ve asked Secretary Clinton if she would share her thoughts with us after her first debate with Donald Trump. She has graciously accepted our offer to interview her.
Clinton: Thank you. It’s nice to be here to answer your questions.
Reporter: Thank you for spending some time to answer our questions, Secretary Clinton.
Clinton: You’re welcome. I look forward to being able to answer your questions without being interrupted every five seconds.
Reporter: At the debate, you said you have been preparing for the debate instead of campaigning. Could you give us a little bit of detail of how you prepared for the debate? Were you brushing up on your facts and policies?
Clinton: Ah… haha, no. There’s no need for that. As you probably know, I’m known for being a policy wonk for the last thirty years or so, so there was really no need to brush up on my facts and policies.
In my line of work as Secretary of State, a dictator of a country may interrupt me at any moment with some comment about my clothes or appearance and it’s my job to bring the discussion back to reality with facts and a sobering explanation of American foreign policy that prevents a lunatic from doing something he’s going to soon regret.
You would be surprised and dismayed at how many times during important state negotiations, a wayward comment about a pantsuit nearly led to a drone strike in a foreign country. It’s unfortunate when it comes to that, and I’m sorely tempted to let their aggressively hostile remarks be the angel of their own death, but I try to remind myself that words are important and have power and pantsuits should not have more power than words, and so I use my words to project American power ethically and in doing so, have inadvertently protected the lives of many deplorable murderous leaders who really deserve the fate of their own careless words.
Reporter: If you weren’t spending your time brushing up and facts and policy, then how did you spend your time preparing for the debate?
Reporter: I think the public deserves an honest answer don’t you?
Clinton: Honestly? No, not really. I don’t think so. That’s private. But I’ll answer anyway, because people don’t care about privacy anymore, and certainly not the privacy of a public official. I hate that, but I understand it. You want to know the real honest truth about how I prepared for the debate?
Reporter: Yes, I think the public has a right to know.
Clinton: I respectfully disagree, but I’ll tell you anyway because frankly I really need this interview to end soon.
The way I practiced was I watched 40 straight hours of Jack Ass and tried to keep a straight face and to not to roll my eyes. I gotta tell you, that scene where that guy was in a hazmat suit and breathed his own fart and then filled his helmet with his own puke was so funny and so disgusting it almost got me, but I remembered my dream of becoming the first woman president that I had had since I was a little girl half a century ago and I regained my steely composure. Thank goodness for Johnny Knoxville for helping me prepare for the debates. If I had not seen so many scenes of people getting kicked in the nuts, I might have felt sorry for Donald Trump or laughed at his stupid reactions. Oh my god, the sniffling. (Secretary Clinton struggles to not laugh here. She makes the same grimace she made constantly at the debates, neither a smile nor a frown. Frankly, she looks constipated.) If I hadn’t seen so many people smelling farts, I don’t know how I could have survived all that goddamn hilarious sniffling. Seeing hundreds of stupid reactions helped me keep my composure. It was my duty to the country to watch Jackass in preparation for the clown nut-bashing that was certain to be the debate. It was my obligation to the American people to not seem smug or condescending or gleeful at my opponent’s inevitable nut smashing. And so I was able to accomplish this very important goal by desensitizing myself to men being gravely injured in the testicles over and over again. You try watching forty hours of Jack Ass in a row and tell me again how I don’t have the stamina for the job.
Reporter: Thank you for your insight. Could you tell us a little bit of your strategy for the debate?
Clinton: Umm… We’re not exactly done with all of the debates yet, so it would be premature and a bit reckless to divulge my strategy.
Reporter: Yes, that’s true. But that’s assuming your opponent could take advantage of that information and formulate a strategy to counter your strategy.
Clinton (uncomfortably): Haha, well said. Okay, yeah, well that’s quite perceptive of you. I’ll have to talk to my campaign manager, but it might be okay to talk about it a little bit. I have a team of people who help me make decisions.
Reporter: I see, so you don’t make your own decisions?
Clinton: I wouldn’t say that I don’t make my own decisions. I believe good leaders gather all of the information they can from their smartest and brightest people in particular areas of expertise and then make a calculated decision based on many factors. So, that’s what I’m going to do. Please wait here.
Reporter: Ummm… Secretary Clinton? Are you coming back?
Clinton: Although I’ve really enjoyed this interview, I’m going to have to end it here. You can interview me again after the next debate. I’m sure after the next one, I’ll be happy to speak to a normal person again.
Reporter: So, what are you going to do next?
Clinton: Remember what I said about privacy earlier?
Reporter: Yes. However, I believe the public has the right to know. What are you hiding? Are you against the first amendment?
Clinton: Oh come on, that’s so unfair. I have to go to the bathroom and poop. Is that enough information to satisfy your freedom of the press baiting question? Sheesh.
Reporter: So, you won’t respect the first amendment? Is there any remaining amendment that you’re willing to stand behind?
Clinton: That is not what the first amendment means. Besides, I plead the fifth.
Reporter: Well played, well played.
Clinton: Good night. I really have to poop. If I don’t go, we’re going to have a Jack Ass moment here soon.
Reporter: Well, I guess that concludes our interview. A rare moment of honesty behind the scenes in Hillary Clinton’s campaign. You saw it here first.
[indistinguishable voices off camera]
Reporter: What? You got that on camera? No, I don’t think we should air it?
Producer: But we have Hillary Clinton’s poop. It’s a rare inside look at…
Reporter: Please, let’s not do this.
Producer: But the ratings…
Reporter: Can’t we just fade out on my face?
Producer: We’ll fade into the toilet shot in post, right?
Cameraman: Sure thing.
Producer: This election cycle has been such a shit show.
Cameraman: Literally. Tell me about. I filmed the literal shit.