Post Debate Interview with Clinton

Reporter: We’ve asked Secretary Clinton if she would share her thoughts with us after her first debate with Donald Trump. She has graciously accepted our offer to interview her.

Clinton: Thank you. It’s nice to be here to answer your questions.

Reporter: Thank you for spending some time to answer our questions, Secretary Clinton.

Clinton: You’re welcome. I look forward to being able to answer your questions without being interrupted every five seconds.

Reporter: At the debate, you said you have been preparing for the debate instead of campaigning. Could you give us a little bit of detail of how you prepared for the debate? Were you brushing up on your facts and policies?

Clinton: Ah… haha, no. There’s no need for that. As you probably know, I’m known for being a policy wonk for the last thirty years or so, so there was really no need to brush up on my facts and policies.

In my line of work as Secretary of State, a dictator of a country may interrupt me at any moment with some comment about my clothes or appearance and it’s my job to bring the discussion back to reality with facts and a sobering explanation of American foreign policy that prevents a lunatic from doing something he’s going to soon regret.

You would be surprised and dismayed at how many times during important state negotiations, a wayward comment about a pantsuit nearly led to a drone strike in a foreign country. It’s unfortunate when it comes to that, and I’m sorely tempted to let their aggressively hostile remarks be the angel of their own death, but I try to remind myself that words are important and have power and pantsuits should not have more power than words, and so I use my words to project American power ethically and in doing so, have inadvertently protected the lives of many deplorable murderous leaders who really deserve the fate of their own careless words.

Reporter: If you weren’t spending your time brushing up and facts and policy, then how did you spend your time preparing for the debate?

Clinton: Honestly?

Reporter: I think the public deserves an honest answer don’t you?

Clinton: Honestly? No, not really. I don’t think so. That’s private. But I’ll answer anyway, because people don’t care about privacy anymore, and certainly not the privacy of a public official. I hate that, but I understand it. You want to know the real honest truth about how I prepared for the debate?

Reporter: Yes, I think the public has a right to know.

Clinton: I respectfully disagree, but I’ll tell you anyway because frankly I really need this interview to end soon.

The way I practiced was I watched 40 straight hours of Jack Ass and tried to keep a straight face and to not to roll my eyes. I gotta tell you, that scene where that guy was in a hazmat suit and breathed his own fart and then filled his helmet with his own puke was so funny and so disgusting it almost got me, but I remembered my dream of becoming the first woman president that I had had since I was a little girl half a century ago and I regained my steely composure. Thank goodness for Johnny Knoxville for helping me prepare for the debates. If I had not seen so many scenes of people getting kicked in the nuts, I might have felt sorry for Donald Trump or laughed at his stupid reactions. Oh my god, the sniffling. (Secretary Clinton struggles to not laugh here. She makes the same grimace she made constantly at the debates, neither a smile nor a frown. Frankly, she looks constipated.) If I hadn’t seen so many people smelling farts, I don’t know how I could have survived all that goddamn hilarious sniffling. Seeing hundreds of stupid reactions helped me keep my composure. It was my duty to the country to watch Jackass in preparation for the clown nut-bashing that was certain to be the debate. It was my obligation to the American people to not seem smug or condescending or gleeful at my opponent’s inevitable nut smashing. And so I was able to accomplish this very important goal by desensitizing myself to men being gravely injured in the testicles over and over again. You try watching forty hours of Jack Ass in a row and tell me again how I don’t have the stamina for the job.

Reporter: Thank you for your insight. Could you tell us a little bit of your strategy for the debate?

Clinton: Umm… We’re not exactly done with all of the debates yet, so it would be premature and a bit reckless to divulge my strategy.

Reporter: Yes, that’s true. But that’s assuming your opponent could take advantage of that information and formulate a strategy to counter your strategy.

Clinton (uncomfortably): Haha, well said. Okay, yeah, well that’s quite perceptive of you. I’ll have to talk to my campaign manager, but it might be okay to talk about it a little bit. I have a team of people who help me make decisions.

Reporter: I see, so you don’t make your own decisions?

Clinton: I wouldn’t say that I don’t make my own decisions. I believe good leaders gather all of the information they can from their smartest and brightest people in particular areas of expertise and then make a calculated decision based on many factors. So, that’s what I’m going to do. Please wait here.

Reporter: Ummm… Secretary Clinton? Are you coming back?

Clinton: Although I’ve really enjoyed this interview, I’m going to have to end it here. You can interview me again after the next debate. I’m sure after the next one, I’ll be happy to speak to a normal person again.

Reporter: So, what are you going to do next?

Clinton: Remember what I said about privacy earlier?

Reporter: Yes. However, I believe the public has the right to know. What are you hiding? Are you against the first amendment?

Clinton: Oh come on, that’s so unfair. I have to go to the bathroom and poop. Is that enough information to satisfy your freedom of the press baiting question? Sheesh.

Reporter: So, you won’t respect the first amendment? Is there any remaining amendment that you’re willing to stand behind?

Clinton: That is not what the first amendment means. Besides, I plead the fifth.

Reporter: Well played, well played.

Clinton: Good night. I really have to poop. If I don’t go, we’re going to have a Jack Ass moment here soon.

Reporter: Well, I guess that concludes our interview. A rare moment of honesty behind the scenes in Hillary Clinton’s campaign. You saw it here first.

[indistinguishable voices off camera]

Reporter: What? You got that on camera? No, I don’t think we should air it?

Producer: But we have Hillary Clinton’s poop. It’s a rare inside look at…

Reporter: Please, let’s not do this.

Producer: But the ratings…

Reporter: Can’t we just fade out on my face?

Producer: We’ll fade into the toilet shot in post, right?

Cameraman: Sure thing.

Reporter: No….

Producer: This election cycle has been such a shit show.

Cameraman: Literally. Tell me about. I filmed the literal shit.





I Endorse Hillary Clinton Because She is the Shittiest Candidate

I have this analogy when choosing a political candidate. If my toilet is broken, I’m going to hire a plumber. I’m going to hire someone who isn’t afraid to get dirty and deal with shit. Literally. I don’t care if that plumber is shit covered or smells like shit. I want the plumber that has tons of experience doing the job of unclogging shit.

The office of POTUS is a job like any other. Like a plumber. Shit’s gotta get done. Shit’s gotta move. And I don’t care how dirty the plumber gets or how dirty the plumber is. All I care about is that my broken toilet is fixed at the end of the job. I don’t care how likable the plumber is. I don’t care how rude the plumber is. I don’t care if the plumber made money off of rich people giving speeches about plumbing. None of those things matter at the end of the day if my toilet is still broken.

All I want is a plumber who can do the job.

And Hillary Clinton, by a wide wide margin, is the most shit-covered candidate there is or ever will be. And that is a good thing. Because all that shit says she’s got experience. She’s done things before. Sometimes, it goes well. Sometimes, it goes bad.

You know what a candidate who has no shit on him says to me? No experience. You don’t have a single fuck-up on your resume? You’re clean as a whistle? You’re not covered in shit because you got down in the muck to fix something? I don’t want you. You’re going to make mistakes. Everyone does. I want Hillary because she’s made her mistakes already. She’s learned from them. I don’t want your shiny, clean, plumber tools making mistakes when the first toilet they touch is my toilet.

There is big debate about Bernie versus Hillary going on right now. To me, it’s absolutely clear. I absolutely agree with Bernie on all of those ideal things. In an ideal world, yeah, it would be great if… <follow with any number of Bernie’s ideas>. We don’t live in an ideal world. We live in this world. It’s kinda shitty sometimes. It already has an immense plumbing structure known as the United States Government. It’s a massive bureaucratic, slow-moving, antagonistic beast of a thing. And someone’s gotta move the shit in it in some direction. My preference is that shit isn’t dumped on me. My second preference is that shit isn’t dumped on anybody else either. Yeah, it would be great if the plumbing of this nation worked differently. It would be great to overhaul huge parts of it. But what are you going to replace it with? And will it really be better than what already exists? Bernie is a plumbing architect, if there is a such a thing. He’s the theoretical physicist of plumbing. Well, it’s worse than that. Because theoretical physics is based on evidence. I’m not sure liberal political ideals can be converted into policy that improves the machinery of government for the better.

It’s an immense task to do that. And the people in the government and the citizens are not going to let that happen easily. The government is already obstructionist. How can an architect implement his design if the workers assigned to do that job are against it? He can’t. Thus, Bernie can’t. I’m sorry, but it’s just a practical thing. It’s not just politics. It’s common sense. If you got a plumber architect who had never done any plumbing before telling actual plumbers what to do, what do you think will happen? They will disagree and do their own thing anyway. That’s not leadership. Leadership requires changing the minds of all of the workers. And if that can’t happen, fire all of the workers and put new workers in place who will work with the new architect plumber.

That’s not going to happen. You know why? Only voters can fire those old plumbers. Look at Bernie’s base. Young people. Inexperienced people. You know what they are voting on? They are voting on ideals. They are not hiring a plumber. If they were hiring a plumber, you know they would do? They would hire a local plumber. They would vote for their local representatives. But you know what? I’ll bet you anything that TWO years from now, we won’t see them turn out to vote. We all know they only get excited about presidential elections. But when shit needs to get done, they don’t care. Because issues don’t affect them as much. They can afford to vote for an idealist architect because of their privilege. 

You know who can’t afford to vote on their ideals? People without privilege— Minorities. Black, Latino, Muslim, Mexican, and immigrants. Shit’s about to get real for them. They can’t afford to not care about this election. They desperately need a plumber to fix their shit. You can’t worry about ideals if you’re worried about getting killed by police, getting kicked out by the government, or getting stereotyped openly by a leading candidate for president. Rhetoric turns into action. And there is some seriously scary rhetoric out there. A whole ton of shit could be dumped by those other plumbers on perfectly good people. If I were one of those good people, I would be very careful about who I choose as my plumber.

All of the criticisms I see heaped onto Hillary are all positive traits of a good plumber. People keep throwing shit on her. But they’re not throwing shit that I care about— that’s she’s not a good plumber. They can’t throw that because they can’t. She’s the best plumber in the race.

Let’s compare who’s the shittiest.

Winner: Hillary Clinton

Nobody can compare to the shit-covering that is Hillary. She has shit from doing actual plumbing. But more than that, she has shit from other plumbers throwing shit at her hoping it will make her look bad and make her competitors look good. The other plumbers spent 8 hours throwing Benghazi shit all over Clinton. She sat and endured it.

Scandals. Clinton and scandals are synonymous. Email server, Benghazi, speaking fees, all of it. She’s a dirty shit-covered plumber. Except that shit isn’t even exclusive to her. It’s just part of the job of politician.

Speaking fees? I’d be jealous too if I had never had any real experience that people were willing to pay to listen to. How many of her detractors (i.e. shit-slingers) fit this category?

The email servers? She said to go ahead and release them! It only shows how hard she works to dedicate herself to her job of plumbing shit. All of the previous Secretaries of State did the exact same thing as she did. So why not throw shit at them, too? Because Hillary.

Benghazi? That’s part of the job of Secretary of State is to respond to terrorist acts. Yes, she was in a leadership position at that moment in time. Yes, she responded decisively. Were mistakes made that are now clear in hindsight? After 8 hours of scathing interrogation, the answer is— NOPE. If another terrorist attack occurs, who do you think would be best to respond to it? Someone like Hillary who has had to think about that moment over and over again and consider all of the alternatives? Or someone who has to go through it the first time? All of the Monday morning quarterbacks have offered their ideas of what she could have or should have done. Every opinion of every politician, pundit, expert, polemicist, and politician has been thrown at Hillary. No person is better qualified to know whether any of those could have been good ideas or not than Hillary Clinton. Who has thought about terrorist attack more than Hillary Clinton? Who has been forced to think about terrorist attack?

Loser: Marco Rubio

I’m just gonna throw Rubio in there as an example of someone who is squeaky clean because he’s done nothing. All he’s done is sit in a Senate office clicking yes or no on things that other people have written. He’s qualified only click yes or no to decide if he’s more Aragorn or Gandalf, not lead people, much less an entire government. When someone hasn’t done anything yet, we can’t throw any shit on him. He has no Benghazi because he was never in a position to lead people. He was never in a position to make mistakes that could be criticized. Does that mean he will never make mistakes once he’s in a position to do so? If that’s what you believe, then why do you look up “plumbers” and not “attorney” for someone to fix your plumbing? Maybe because you want someone who’s done it at least once in his lifetime?

Loser: Donald Trump

Trump, like Bernie, is running on ideals. They may not be the same ideals as yours or mine, but they are ideals nonetheless. So he’s a kind of plumber who has a fake solution to a fake problem because you don’t know anything about plumbing and his fake solution sounds exactly like what your solution would be. Trump knowing nothing about plumbing is his greatest strength because his solutions sound like common sense to other people who know nothing about plumbing.

Trump doesn’t care about fixing the plumbing. He just cares about getting hired as your plumber. He knows a lot about business, but business is a whole different machine than plumbing. Could that experience apply to plumbing? Maybe, but probably not. We are not voting for a dictator. We’re voting for someone to fulfill a government office.

Loser: Bernie Sanders

Bernie has the least shit on him. He’s been consistent throughout all the decades as a career politician. He hasn’t changed. But the world has changed. The world has changed enough so that suddenly, he’s somewhat of a viable candidate! But you know what is most damning about Bernie? That change happened without him. He had all of those years of fighting the good fight, but we have never heard of him until this election cycle. Why is that? Well, the answer is simple. He is not a plumber. He did not get shit done to move the country in a direction such that his ideas would get implemented. If he had shown such leadership, he would be considered mainstream instead of the outside position of the liberal ticket. He is the same as before which is the greatest mark against him. He has and always has been a voice for what’s right. But a voice shouting is not the same as muscle rolling up its sleeve and getting shit done.

Finally, a word on Hillary’s speaking fees as a sign of her selling out. This reminds me of the Chris Rock joke about Siegfried and Roy’s tiger going crazy. Tiger didn’t go crazy. Tiger went tiger. Politician didn’t get influenced. Politician went politician.




Donald Trump’s Inauguration

I have this fantasy that Donald Trump somehow gets elected. In this fantasy, Trump gives this fantastic speech after being inaugurated. Here’s how it would go down.

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Thank you! Thank you!

CROWD: Trump! Trump! Trump! TRUMP!

Please. My fellow citizens, please. I love that sound. The sound of my name. But you know what would be tremendous? I would love for you to hear my voice. And the only way… the only way that can happen… Thank you! The only that can happen is if you give me your attention.

After a moment, the crowd quiets down a bit.

My fellow Americans, I am humbled and amazed to stand before you as your President of the United States.

Crowd cheers. Trump motions with his palms down to quiet the crowd again.

Thank you! Thank you all again. I want to thank my supporters. I never thought this could happen. I mean, I literally. <shaking his head> Never. In a miieeeelllion years. You know… I never spent one dime on this election. Not one! You know, like you, I thought that American democracy was broken. I thought that without corporation money, no one could get elected.

Trump raises his arms in victory.

But here I am! I proved ’em wrong!

Crowd cheers loudly again.

Fellow Americans, I want you to know. You should know, there was a plan all along. We never thought we could get this far. This was plan B, you know. But it started to work so well, we ran with it. That’s what you do in business; that’s what you do in life. If the ball is in your hands, you run with it. And we did that. We scored a touchdown!

We scored a touchdown for America! But, my fellow Americans, I want you to know something. I have a secret. And it’s been hurting my heart to keep it from you. My heart hurts. Truly. But I have to let you know the secret now. Because plan A didn’t go so well, we went with plan B. But I’ve been a strong supporter of plan A. Strong. Never changed.

My fellow Americans, we scored a touchdown for America! Always remember! Touchdown! Because we are going to win this thing for America! When we started, we focused on one thing. One thing. That was plan A, this one thing. But as things got crazy, it looked like the one thing— this sure thing wasn’t so solid. You know, I like things to be 100%. If I do something it has to be 100%. I don’t like failure. I don’t like losers. So we were going to win this thing for America with plan B.

Let me be clear on this point nation. This was the plan all along. To elect the best candidate for the job. Plan A. Best for America. The BEST! For America!

Trump chokes back his emotions. Those close to the new President could see his eyes welling up with tears.

For that reason, starting effective immediately,

Trump pauses and in a rare moment of humility, breaks his alpha male gaze at the crowd to look down at his notes.

I resign as President of the United States. I resign. You heard it right. I resign.

The crowd is shocked in silence.

My running mate has already resigned. This was the plan all along, my friends. I have already selected and sworn in a Vice President who will become a great President. The best. The greatest you have ever seen. Far better than what I could have done as President. Believe me. It’s the truth. I hire a lot of people. That’s what I’m best at— recognizing excellence. I demand excellence. I only hire the best. ONLY THE BEST! This person has been a great friend of mine for a long time and I trust my life, my business, and my country to this great, great friend. And in time, you will too. This friend is the most trustworthy I’ve ever known. More than any of you out there. And maybe even more than me.

Although I may do a good job as President, I can’t if I believe there is truly someone much better at the job. Today, as of this moment, Trump is fired. Someone better than Trump will be hired. You know I never say that. You know I never say anyone is better than Trump. So, it must be true. That is the one thing I could never lie about— someone better than me. I want you to welcome your new boss with all the trust and faith you put in me.

Today, I proudly present to you, the best, the absolute best, of all of us Americans…

Trump takes a breath and gives a dramatic pause.

Madame President Hillary Rodham Clinton!

Trump applauds and leaves the stage while the crowd is still too shocked to react.