I have this fantasy that Donald Trump somehow gets elected. In this fantasy, Trump gives this fantastic speech after being inaugurated. Here’s how it would go down.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP: Thank you! Thank you!
CROWD: Trump! Trump! Trump! TRUMP!
Please. My fellow citizens, please. I love that sound. The sound of my name. But you know what would be tremendous? I would love for you to hear my voice. And the only way… the only way that can happen… Thank you! The only that can happen is if you give me your attention.
After a moment, the crowd quiets down a bit.
My fellow Americans, I am humbled and amazed to stand before you as your President of the United States.
Crowd cheers. Trump motions with his palms down to quiet the crowd again.
Thank you! Thank you all again. I want to thank my supporters. I never thought this could happen. I mean, I literally. <shaking his head> Never. In a miieeeelllion years. You know… I never spent one dime on this election. Not one! You know, like you, I thought that American democracy was broken. I thought that without corporation money, no one could get elected.
Trump raises his arms in victory.
But here I am! I proved ’em wrong!
Crowd cheers loudly again.
Fellow Americans, I want you to know. You should know, there was a plan all along. We never thought we could get this far. This was plan B, you know. But it started to work so well, we ran with it. That’s what you do in business; that’s what you do in life. If the ball is in your hands, you run with it. And we did that. We scored a touchdown!
We scored a touchdown for America! But, my fellow Americans, I want you to know something. I have a secret. And it’s been hurting my heart to keep it from you. My heart hurts. Truly. But I have to let you know the secret now. Because plan A didn’t go so well, we went with plan B. But I’ve been a strong supporter of plan A. Strong. Never changed.
My fellow Americans, we scored a touchdown for America! Always remember! Touchdown! Because we are going to win this thing for America! When we started, we focused on one thing. One thing. That was plan A, this one thing. But as things got crazy, it looked like the one thing— this sure thing wasn’t so solid. You know, I like things to be 100%. If I do something it has to be 100%. I don’t like failure. I don’t like losers. So we were going to win this thing for America with plan B.
Let me be clear on this point nation. This was the plan all along. To elect the best candidate for the job. Plan A. Best for America. The BEST! For America!
Trump chokes back his emotions. Those close to the new President could see his eyes welling up with tears.
For that reason, starting effective immediately,
Trump pauses and in a rare moment of humility, breaks his alpha male gaze at the crowd to look down at his notes.
I resign as President of the United States. I resign. You heard it right. I resign.
The crowd is shocked in silence.
My running mate has already resigned. This was the plan all along, my friends. I have already selected and sworn in a Vice President who will become a great President. The best. The greatest you have ever seen. Far better than what I could have done as President. Believe me. It’s the truth. I hire a lot of people. That’s what I’m best at— recognizing excellence. I demand excellence. I only hire the best. ONLY THE BEST! This person has been a great friend of mine for a long time and I trust my life, my business, and my country to this great, great friend. And in time, you will too. This friend is the most trustworthy I’ve ever known. More than any of you out there. And maybe even more than me.
Although I may do a good job as President, I can’t if I believe there is truly someone much better at the job. Today, as of this moment, Trump is fired. Someone better than Trump will be hired. You know I never say that. You know I never say anyone is better than Trump. So, it must be true. That is the one thing I could never lie about— someone better than me. I want you to welcome your new boss with all the trust and faith you put in me.
Today, I proudly present to you, the best, the absolute best, of all of us Americans…
Trump takes a breath and gives a dramatic pause.
Madame President Hillary Rodham Clinton!
Trump applauds and leaves the stage while the crowd is still too shocked to react.